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for those of u who dont know i got a new lj

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Add Me

got a new lj...add me...

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okay so its been an interesting week...for sure! but i really dont feel like talking about it. right now im just really confused. i dont know how to think anymore. god i wish i can tell all of you what is going on but i just cant. its something that i cant say. i just cant.

its not that i dont want to say anything its just that i cant. for certain reasons. only select people know but no one else.

i dont know what to think. one min im sure of myself and the next im not. i dont get it.

right now i am sure of myself...like monique said she would help me...and i need all the help i can get. Hmm i dont know. its one of those things where you are but arnt sure you know. its really weird.

who knows right now. i dont.

Mike was trying to help me and it did...dont get me wrong it helped alot its just i dont know...who the fuck knows. ugh.

im not on here for any particular reason actually i think its just to bitch a bit...cuz i cant come out and say stuff why not beat around the bush right. i know not good to do that but hey i can! my lj my choice! so ha!

you know i didnt really want to go out tonight but it really beat stayin home and doing nothing you know. and besides i got to see des! i love him! hehe! he was my date! but seriously around 11 des had to go home and i didnt want to stay with joey and tina so des offered to drive me home...i even got a good nite kiss...okay not a kiss more like a peck lol ;p...

but seriously i dont really want to go out lately. like on thursday when eveeryone went out to coffee i really didnt want to go...i think it was thursday...but yeah i really didnt want to.

i dont know whats up with me lately...something is bugging me i just dont know what. i really dont. i problely know i just dont want to acknowledge it. wouldnt be surprised. ugh i feel depressed again. its the im happy but not feeling again. the last time i was like this was well about a year ago...with...nicole...well after...but still...i dont get it...its been so long since ive felt this way you know its just really weird to be feeling it all of a sudden...and full yet empty feeling. i dont know. its all so weird. im not unhappy or anything thats not the case its just...i dont know...something...something i cant see...

its werid i try to put up a front yet somehow Tanya always sees right through it...and well im glad she can but im not all at the same time...cuz when she asks me whats wrong i dont know what to say cuz i dont even know myself. and i hate that i cant give her an answer...ugh i dont know...

god i hate this feeling...i hated it then and i hate it now.

i even cry myself to sleep some nights...but over what? nothing. i just start to cry. for no reason at all tears fall and i cant stop them. maybe its something deeper then i cant even tell...i dont know...

ill just let it be for now...

okay and now i got more shit...why is this week so crappy.

okay so i have to get a new laptop which means i need another job...well i hope to be working during the school year and the bad part of that is i wont be home as much as i would like to be...like i doubt if ill get christmas off...but im going to try...hopfully i can...

i figured if i worked for homedepot up north ill be able to save for my insurence and what not...hopfully...if not then fuck...but i hope i will...cuz mommy wants me to get a car eh...so im trying to find a cheap car...okay mommy doesnt want me to get one but id prefer to have a car i can call mine...anyways...im kinda hoping to save up as much as i can but now that i have to buy a new fucking laptop i dont see that happening any time soon...ugh why now...mother fucking laptop can kiss my ass...i hate it...maybe mommy will pay for a new one...doubt it very much but i can hope...

ugh what is next...please tell me...what the fuck is next...ugh...

Okay so lately its been bad news after bad news! i dont get it anymore...why does it always happen to me...ugh...okay so since friday ive been like deaf in the left ear and i went to the doctors to see what the fuck is the matter with it...well thank god for the hearing place there...so i went to get a hearing test done...the guy...he was soo cute! lol...but yeah thats besides the point anyways so he was like im hoping its just ur ear drum and then its temperary...thats good to hear...well as it turns out its not my ear drum but the nerves. so i made an appointment with Dr. Vovidich the specialist...ive seen her b4 when i got my tubes done...anyways im waiting in hasics office for cutie to show up and tell us what he knows...anyways...he was like its worse then i hoped it would be...he was like its not the ear drum its self but the nerves within the ear...so im dumb terms i may be deaf in my left year for life...joy. That just brightens my day eh...and now i have to go for all these tests and what not for it...joy...tomorrow morning and blood work have a date. ugh.

SHOOT ME!

Okay so now im a tad worried about what is really wrong with my ear...if cutie is right and it is perminent then i might have to get a hearing aid...joy...ugh...there could be worse things to happen to me.

you know im stressed out about this when i want a smoke...i swear...ive never wanted one more then now...ugh and i have to be home eh..

FUCK

ugh this is so fucked up.

now im like all down and shit...i know its not that big of a deal but still its kind of fucked up if it happens out of no fucking where...ugh...

okay i think ive bitched enough for now...might be back later to do some more.

ugh that is the question...i want to be...?...oh i know SHOT! This is driving me crazy one minute im happy as all get out and then the next im sad and want to die. FUCK.

SHOOT ME PLEASE!

Okay so im home on monday...which is good but then i leave sunday again. this constant coming and going is driving me madd...madd i say.

I love being home...i feel like im whole again...like that one part that was missing has been replaced...and now that im gone its missing yet again...ugh

FUCK

FUCK

FUCK

this is really driving me crazy you know that.

You all dont understand how i feel. how can you you arnt in my place. i know some of you dont think that this relationship is as serious as we put it out to be but it is. she means the world to me and without her there is nothing worth living for my world is gone.

I cant explain to you all how much Tanya means to me. i cant explain how she makes me feel or what she does to me. i just cant. its just so strong that nothing i say could explain it.

I never thought i could find someone like her. and i know some of you warned her about me and well my past and what not thinking i would break her heart but thats the last thing i want broken...i want it whole...i never want to hurt her in a way that would cause her any pain...i love her so much you dont even know how much.

i hate that she is so stressed out right now and sad...i cant cant stand to see her that way. i dont know what to do to help her...i dont...i dont want to see her like this...it makes me sad cuz i cant do anything to make it better to make her feel happy...ugh...i dont know what to do...i wish i did...but i dont...god i wish i can make all her problems just disappear...hmm but i guess i cant now can i.

See this is what she does for me...i care for her so much that i get sad when she is i get mad when she is im happy when she is...god i dont know...

i love her with all my heart.

i want to be with her forever and im not just saying that.

i dont know what the future holds but i hope its all good! and with her in it!

I cant wait to go home. then i feel like i have a reason once again. i may not get to see her as much as i want to but i know she is just down the street and i know i can just take a short drive or walk to see her and not a three hour drive...it just makes me feel so much closer to her...so much like she owuld be here with me. i dont know if you all understand that but i do.

ugh god i swear since i came up here on wednesday ive been crying myself to sleep. i was on the phone with her and i kepy crying right through the whole conversation. i couldnt stop...all i could think about was not being home and being near her. god im even crying now...and it doesnt help that im listenin to Rio Diamond - One more day with you...its so true...omg not even joking...damn it these tears wont stop now...ugh...im going to have to change my shirt...the ones you love the most are the ones that hurt the most...

Im going to stop cuz im like still crying and i really need to stop...my eyes hurt...hmmm...i miss her...

i love her with all my heart...

hmmmm *Sigh*

Okay so today gave me alot of time to think...although i should have been doing my hmwk. got most of it done just need to finish the two think pieces and then my lab and another chapter of notes for my tuesday final. but the rest is due on thursday...wish me luck.

okay so my thinking...yeah its very mind boggling. like right now i think only Amanda and Monique know to what it is im talking about...well and mike but he was the one who helped me think of it all...anyways its so...ugh i dont know. its something, in which i cant explain. Well not that i cant explain but wont. i dont want or need anyone else besides them knowing...or then it aint much of mind boggle...well that amoung other things as well. but seriously its got me all fucked up and i dont know what to do well i do but i cant do it just yet...the timing is not when i want it to be so it wont come out just yet. but soon.

Soon you all will know what i am talking about and im not sure exactly how everyone will react to it but i dont care to be honest...you dont like it too bad...you do then great.

So yeah its been a mind spinning day...thats for sure...to much thinking if u ask me. In one way its a good thing but in another not soo good at all. hmm i dont know.

So today i got a call from the bitches...not good...i think they get the idea...hope so...cuz im so sick of their shit right now i dont need it...ohh shit Nicole knows too...FUCK...Now how to keep her big ass mouth shut...FUCK...we had to talk about that...DAMN IT...okay so another thing to think about now...anyways i dont think she will say anything...how can she...unless she asks J or M...Then im fucked...and knowing her she will...hmmm...i shall have to warn M since J dont know...okay one problem solved...anyways back to the bitches...apparently they are going to the HIM concert too...great...if i run into them i shall shoot myself...or better just infront of a car...so hope i dont see them...but yeah okay so im on the phone and they are literally yelling at me and what not...and then they bring up Alex and thats when i have had enough...i told them that if they really considered themselves friends they wouldnt mention Alex or that night to me...and that they shouldnt have to say that shit just to get me to break down and cry and agree to whatever the fuck they want so i told them to just FUCK OFF...and then i hung up...but geuss what...they called back. they started yelling at me some more to the point where i just stopped listening...and once again Alexs' name came up and i hung up.

so yeah that was my eventfull phone call...can we say death to me!

Okay so after that i didnt want to do anything so what did i do...played sims. sad i know but fun all at the same time.

Now lately ive been thinking none stop about well that one topic above that no one knows except like three people...and i was talking to Monique telling her about it and what not...yeah dont know what to think...if i should or shouldnt...who knows...right now its a should and a will...

UGH

Why do i think...stop the voices!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

And Done!

okay so this morning started out as any other day...grand came home...hope i dont get any of those talks yet again. who knows.

okay now last night was freaking fun! A lil weird but ohh so much fun! lol!

so so to start off the night i get a call from Tanya asking what we wanted to do and what not...so i went to go pick her up and we wanted to go for a walk so we tried to pick a place but we are very much handicaped when it comes to picking things lol...but she said lets go to lakeshore marina so we did...walked around there for about an hour...then steve called wondering what we were going to do and we said ghost hunting lol...so jokes.

Anyways so we get to the area where the park was and sur enough ur not allowed to park there so we had to find another place to park which wa down the street...a good 10min walk...not bad...anyways corey was scared when we were down at the park to him sean and steve went back up the hill...they ended up calling us about 20min later saying the cops were here and we should make our way up the hill...and here we are going ohh shit...but let me tell you that hill was a bitch to climb...no jokes...niki kept taking breaks...so jokes.

anyways we get up the hill and the cops were like ur all out of breath...and we were like yeah we just climbed like steep ass hill and he was like that lil old thing...all we could do was nod our heads lol...anyways him and the other cop that was in his car were there...and he starts asking us questions like...is there anyone down there, what you all doing, do u live near here, where are ur cars, do u have drugs or alcohol with you..and yeah just plain ass weird...anyways so he was like okay guys have a good night and we were like you too...so we make our way back to the cars only to get stopped by another police about 10feet from our cars...she stops at the side gets out and was like what you all doing...and we tell her two cops already asked us that just up the hill...and she was like ohhh really...and we were like yeah...then she was like are these ur cars and we were all like acting dumb going umm no...they are at the plaza...and we had to leave the cars there and walk to the plaze only to have to go back...just the drivers...one by one to get our cars...its was sooo jokes...not even kidding...

so anyways...then there was the skater kids where gee was sounding crazy asking if they were criminals...and the kids were like omg what? and then tanya was like okay serious question do we look like criminals...and the kids are like omg u r...and she was like no do we look like them...and do cops stop u guys for walking...and the kids were like cops are gay and gee was like excuse me kinda thing...so jokes...lol...loved it.

okay so we got bored of the plaza and des said we could chill at his house so we did for the rest of the night till we had to head home...its was awsome people...loved it lol.

omg des niki is so cute i love her! lol...awsome! she is so jokes! bring her along more often! we are adopting another person! lol! ohh bring her to may 24 if she wants! okay and shutting up..

later all
Love you baby!

Well to brighten my 8am class their were no picketers so i didnt get stopped and my car didnt get punched. so that was a bright side to my day! and another would be sitting here ha yeah right who the fuck am i kidding.

Well today im going to be really busy. i decided since i had time before class that i would finish my Lab presentation and i did...so now all that is left is reading it over and presenting it. i also have about 4 more chapters to take notes on so that about 100pages of info i have to down size. so can we say 10pages of notes later lol. i also have to do my thursday lab today cuz i dont think i will have time tomorrow. but thank god my thursday class at 12 only goes till about 2 and then my night class from 3-6 is cancelled. thank god for teacher meetings! Other then that i think im good...but its very time consuming.

okay so im heading home this weekend...thank god...im hoping i dont have to go to my second class on tuesday and if not then i dont have to go home till wednesday instead of monday! That would be fucking awsome! i just hope we get a break down today on what is going on next week...if we do and get an exam review then im happy as all get out! i might be able to get it from thema...hmmm...ill check with her on thursday if i can and ill pay her for the copies...i hope soo...

okay so saturday i think i want to go see iceage two! so who ever wants to join just call my cell...or msg me on msn...

well friday i have some things i have to take care of...like okay not going to say it...but yeah i need to do that...so its done with and over with and i dont have to deal with this shit anymore...ugh...whatever...

okay so ive been making an online album that i plan on having printed out and i talked to mike about it all and he loves the idea...and what not and im kinda still uneasy...but thats bound to happen...well just hope it all turns out...thats all i need is that the finish copy is not want i want...but i do...ohh boy...and shutting up!

okay and this class is soo shit...Jocelyn ditched me because she went to see motion city in toronto on the weekend and was way to tired to come to class...so im now alone in this class...well theres lesly but she is sitting a bit down from me and i need a plug so i cant move...ugh...whatever...

okay i should actually listen to this lecture...im out...late people...

Baby i love you!

okay so here i am sitting on the couch watching stepmom mainly because im bored as hell...okay not bored...i just dont want to do my hmwk...and then i fugured i should tell of my latest revelation. something i should have done years ago but could never.

Hmm...okay so im on the phone last night...im not going to give the details mainly becuase im going to start crying...i geuss i never really thought about it before you know. your friends with people your whole life and leaving them just doesnt seem right.

so last night i realized it wasnt them who changed...it was me...im not who they want me to be anymore...im not the someone they once knew. i dont know. hell i kept saying that last night. so the main question last night was why do i continue to talk to them if they hurt me so...and my answer...i dont know...i cant explain it...we have been through so much together and then that day comes when you realize they arnt your friends. i dont know. i couldnt even understand it yesterday either.

to be honest i dont know if i will or will not stop talking to them...mainly because we have been through so much and they were there for me when i really needed someone and now that i realize i just cant go on with how it used to be im confused more then ever. i cant be who they want me to be...because that is just not me anymore. im not the same party girl they think me to be...i dont need to drink to have fun anymore...i dont need the constant parties...i dont need any of it and yet i find myself back talking to them. i dont know.

and then theres the question of why i still talk to nicole...and well i dont know why...i guess i always kept talking to her because well steph, jen, jess, and april are good friends with her and i geuss i just think...ohh i dont know...i give up trying to understand it. its not my life anymore...its not who i am and its not who i want to be.

hmmm...you know then their was the whole living up to what i had and all i have to say is NO. why would i want what i used to have...i left it for a reason and that reason alone tells me why i dont want to go back. i dont need what i used to have what i need is what i have. i know sounds weird but its true...hmmm...i dont know...whatever i think im just going to shut up and ohh fuck i dont know...

i dont know what to do with the whole friends and nicole shit...someone guide me...im seriously lost...